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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
New kitchen game: `Fridge and Cupboard Tetris`- Putting the possibility of being pummeled by a food avalanche on a whole new level of adventure.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?