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Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
My dentist just told me I need a crown..... I know, right??
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
Every day I struggle between “I wanna look good naked” and “treat yourself.”
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!