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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Marriage is something you should pay for and divorce should be free. You might think twice before buying into it.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
My brain has too many tabs open.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Do you really have to breath that much?