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That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!