Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
When someone tells me I`m going to hell, I`m like "yeah, duh, I work there part time as a tour guide!"
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
People hiking with a giant stick never seem any better at hiking than the rest of us.