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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
They say a woman’s work is never done. Maybe that’s why they get paid less.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?