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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
We get it poets: things are like other things
is a reasonably intelligent person who does moderately stupid things on a semi-regular basis.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn`t pay their wifi bill.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.