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No matter how many lasagna’s you stack on top of each other, ultimately it’s always just one lasagna
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
I wasn`t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.