Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.