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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
The only way a fidgey spinner would relieve my stress is if it was edible ...
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"