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We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.