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When I want to trim down my friend`s Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I’m bored enough to clean.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish-- wait, I just realized I`ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.