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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.