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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"