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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
It`s so cute how you can throw balls right at kids faces in the Chuck E Cheese ball pit and they think you`re just playing.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.