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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC