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You`re only limited by your own imagination! And money. And talent. And genetics. And time. And other people. Go for it!
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one