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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)