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It is totAlly unnecessary to put a PM after 23:00.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
Commence six months of the clock in my car being wrong.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
never realized how awkward it is to study the reproductive system in a coffee shop.. until now.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.