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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.