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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Nipples (noun) - the body`s way of telling you the weather
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw