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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they`re way too big for him.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".