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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
An apple a day is bullsh!t. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"
Coffee shops should have a separate line for people who are late for work.