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I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
sex is like a joke, some get it some don`t.....
I`m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
Whenever you`re feeling down and in the dumps, just remember...the rest of us have been feeling that way about you too!
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.