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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.