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Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Driving a Dodge doesn`t automatically make you a defensive driver.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day