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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
Turns out if you fake your death every monday work catches on.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)