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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Home is where the pants aren’t.