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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want. If my wife says it`s okay.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.