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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
I maybe wrong but I doubt it.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
If you lack motivation, get on treadmill naked in front of mirror.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music