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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.