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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*