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When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
It takes balls to be a man.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."