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Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome