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As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
All milk is breast milk.
Finding friends with the same mental disorder as you ... Priceless
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.