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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? You don`t know what you`re missing.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.