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Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.