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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
In all my years, I have never finished a pencil.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.