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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
Arguing with people in the comments section is like crack for me. I don`t do it.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.