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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.