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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
People who think I’m not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.