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If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
Always finish your beer. There`s sober kids in Africa.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.