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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Fellas; There’s no heterosexual way of taking a selfie.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point