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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.