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Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.