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If I’ve offended you, please accept my apology. Then smack yourself in the face for getting offended by something on the Internet.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it because it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights. Just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he’s getting hit by a
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b