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I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective