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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" but I can`t drive a bus.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"