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I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?