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I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?