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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor`s trash so you don`t get robbed.
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.