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Say what you want about Kim and Kanye naming their daughter North West. That kid is headed straight to the top. And slightly to the left.
Happy people don`t take long showers.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.