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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”