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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I miss the life I planned in my head.
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!