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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Go ahead caller 9!!
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.