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This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
Before I die I`m going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
Good morning to some...Hello to others...And f*uck you to the rest!!
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.