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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon