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Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I`m lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Didn`t think my day could get any better but my robe has pockets so boom, there you go.
Always carry a knife. You never know when cake might happen.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.