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The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
How long do I have to sleep before I`m legally a bear?
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
I have a fear of elevators, but I have an even greater fear of exercise.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work