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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.