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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Happy new years, my friends. Thanks for supporting the site, Ralf.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Nobody cares what you`re gonna do in 2015. Now post some nudes.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.