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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
only fights if pillows are present.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
Vodka mixes well with everything, except decisions.
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.