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Cannibals don`t drink coffee ... They have a cup of Joe instead.
Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Check this one out.........1
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.