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People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"