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This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs at noon!
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.