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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I`ve come.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Things that schools worry about Drugs 1% Graduating 1% drop outs 1% the inportance of using a number 2 pencil on standardized tests 97%
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Saw my ex with another guy at a bar last night. So I ordered a beer, took a few sips, walked over to their table, gave her date the rest of my drink and walked away... #leftovers
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.