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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The weekend is just a bittersweet memory.... I won`t cry because it`s over, I`ll smile because for a few miles they believed I was the real bus driver.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
My own personal hell sounds great, actually