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Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. It was way too literal for me.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.