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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
"No! Don`t go into the church! Nooo!" ... "Honey, what movie are you watching?" ... "Our wedding video."
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.