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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Just burned 2000 calories. That`s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
If you loose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
Facebook should have an "I`ve seen enough" button.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.