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If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.