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I pay $200 a month for car insurance, I`ll run all the red lights I want
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
When your feeling down, I will be there to feel you up. ;)
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.