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Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.