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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.