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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.