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Hendrix didn`t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass