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People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.