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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals