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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner...
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.