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I`m pretty sure whoever coined the phrase " rise and shine", doesn`t do it anymore.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
It´s never to late to be happy
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.