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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend.......who`s in with me?
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
That depressing moment when you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off, and you wonder why bad things happen to good people.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.