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Have you hugged you bartender today.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.